Fatherhood

This week, I will be doing something a little different. As this is Thanksgiving week, I only had one class, and consequently did not cover much about fatherhood. In order to overcome this, I have found an article that I will discuss and review as well as compare with my own experiences with my dad. 

The article that I read is titled ‘Fatherhood in Complex Families: Ties between Adult Children, Biological Fathers, and Stepfathers’ by Maaike Hornstra, Matthijs Kalmjin, and Katya Ivanova, written in October of 2020. The article explores three aspects that are vital to a strong and long-lasting relationship between father and child. The first of these is investment. Investment means how much time, effort, and resources the father puts into the child. It is as simple as this: if a father does not spend meaningful time with their children, it is less likely that a strong relationship will grow.

           The second aspect that is explored is interdependence. Interdependence is the amount that each party (the child and the father) depends on the other. The child depends on the father for food, home, and love; while the father gains emotional, social, and other benefits from their relationship to the child. A meaningful relationship needs to benefit one side. If the father is uninterested of the child and does not reciprocate the efforts and love the child shows, the relationship will not be long-lasting.

           The third aspect that the article explored was substitution. Substitution is where the ‘Biological Fathers, and Stepfathers’ part of the article comes in. In the study, the researchers studied how children (grown adults) would ‘choose’ one father over the other (biological or stepfather) in a situation where both were present. This aspect is not one on its own, but rather the affect that the two other aspects have on the relationship. The researchers found that the father who was invested and interdependent in the relationship was usually ‘chosen’.

           My own experiences with my dad growing up really reflect the results of the article. I feel that my relationship with my dad was always interdependent with both of us being highly invested in strengthening and growing our relationship where we could.

           I remember that my dad would work during the day (which is very typical for the average family). But even though he was often gone during the day-hours, I would spend very meaningful time with him when he would come home. My mom always told me that my twin sister and I would pay attention to the time that our dad would come home from work, and would wait at the front window, excited for our dad to come in. My mom said that no matter how tired he was, he would always make time for us.

           I love my dad more than anything, and I know that he loves me as well. He was never the type to say it very often, but through his actions he would make it obvious. He was and is always patient with me and my siblings, he genuinely asks how our days have been, he spends time with us, and he strives to be happy around us. Because of our strong relationship, I know that I will always have someone to turn to, which is a huge comfort as a college student. My life is changing so drastically, so it is comforting knowing that I have someone to rely on. Knowing that he has built such a great relationship with me even though he is often gone for the day shows that any father can do the same as well.

           In the case of my younger sister, I have never seen my dad be gentler than with her. If you are new, my little sister, Ruby, has autism. She often struggles to show her desires, thoughts, and feelings with us. But my dad has always been incredibly patient with her. He is also actively trying to find ways that he can learn to better communicate with her, rather than putting the work completely on my mom or Ruby’s therapists. I can clearly see that he is putting just as much work into their relationship than he did with ours. And it is worth it. There are times that Ruby’s feelings are so clear. Feelings that she is safe, loved and welcomed with my dad. Each family is different, but I feel that a strong fatherly relationship is almost vital for a child to grow, and to overcome their hurdles and difficulties that they experience over life.

           Hornstra, M., Kalmijn, M., & Ivanova, K. (2020). Fatherhood in Complex Families: Ties between Adult Children, Biological Fathers, and Stepfathers. Journal of Marriage & Family, 82(5), 1637–1654. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12679